2018 – The Scholar

When you look back at your life, there will be some years that are more important than others, that’s just how things work. 2018 was one of those years. Not because it was awesome, but because it was awesome: extremely impressive or daunting; inspiring great admiration, apprehension, or fear. This year was a doozy.

2018 was the worst and most rewarding year of my life. Epochal throughout. Through nearly half of it I did not want to or think I would see 2019, and suffered losses that made me grow and won’t ever leave me. The other half I have been astounded that I somehow became the man I have always wanted to be. I always knew he was in there but was so scared to step into him and lose what I have grown used to.

This blog is a vehicle for transition and also a starting point. It is a new safe place, different from my old warm and cozy way of finding temporary gratification while staying in my timeless and enduring home of self-hate. I teetered for some time between believing I deserved the worst I could do to myself and knowing I was worth making necessary changes to improve my life. At some point this year, though I could not say exactly when or exactly how, I landed squarely in understanding that I deserve the best I can do for myself. That is not a constant feeling, not yet. But I know that changing my life will not involve changing careers, improving my body, or even having new experiences. Instead it involves going inwards and becoming someone I am happy to be alone with.

This requires a dramatic change in my functioning, and like most dramatic change, the realizations must be constant and incremental. A new comfort zone must be established, and that doesn’t happen overnight. It takes realizations and acceptance. You have to realize that where you are at in your journey, and you have to take a long look at what you are doing to keep you there. Rest assured, there will be very few times when you’re unhappy that you are not busy doing something to keep you unsatisfied. It would be like intentionally blinding yourself in order to feel bad about not being able to see.

What we are hoping to do with this project is find a way to not only hold ourselves accountable but also form a community where we and others share the insights we have gained and catch the ones that are just out of our grasp. While the Gentleman will be showing his artistic side through photography and his perspective on life and poetry, my medium will be sharing the ideas of great thinkers that inspire me, as well as the techniques I’ve gained and discoveries I’ve made as a Jungian analyst-in-training and professional counselor. I will share stories I’ve heard and ones I’ve lived–the ones that shook me and strengthened me. We will both share our journeys and demonstrate the ridiculousness of life through our many misadventures.

“Who looks outside dreams, who looks inside awakens” – C.G. Jung