Roots Underneath

Looking at the above photo one gets an idea of that rustic, romanticized aloneness that we see in movies and novels.  “That tree is such an individual, what a rugged antihero of a tree, like the Batman of trees, strong in a desolate place, sure reminds me of me”. However, that tree is still standing because the trees that are now gone still provision and support it underground with their still alive root systems. Even after a tree is left with a stump, it’s roots stretch out and link into other roots where they trade resources when one is in need. A forest is a community, trees help feed and support each other, the larger ones helping the smaller ones as they know that a loss of a tree hurts and changes the entire forest.  In a forest, the same species trees provide and sacrifice for each other, and the forest adjusts specifically to keep trees alive because it benefits the forest.

These same rules apply to us, we’re all the same species, but our consciousness, our reason, help blind us to that.  The gift of awareness we so easily use to not see, to think we are separate and alone. We are scared to realize it, mainly because of its implications. How can we continue to be so selfish if hurting others hurts ourselves? This aloneness is for all people in all established times–centuries before we were given a role to help society and no ability to pick our life role.  A knight had to be a knight just as much as a peasant had to be a peasant. There was no time for thinking of who we should be. Now we often have too much time to think of who we should be, but in all periods we find ways to avoid the question, to avoid realizing the freedom to choose.

When we talk about freedom, we normally talk about political freedom, and how that is a necessity for happiness.  Well I’m not sure that it’s necessary, but let it be known this blog is all pro freedom. We are like William Wallace Braveheart passionate about freedom.  Trouble is, once we get the freedom we often don’t know really what to do with it.  We conform quickly and easily to things so that we feel more liked and accepted. Or because we see it as the only way to live. No, I don’t think we should all be our worst selves and throw down all social norms, and I do realize that while society chains us it does provide benefits.  However, while we shouldn’t be our worst, we should still be ourselves, and we should be doing things that we want to do. We all kind of want that, so why is it so hard to be that person?

One of the reasons it is so easy to want to distract yourself with those life spices, hard to make those trails, and any other metaphor I could use here, is because the feeling of separation is so common.   We all feel alone, disconnected from everyone. In a way that is one thing that we all are forced to admit to. We feel inherently alone because how can we not? Nobody knows what you are thinking or feeling, and you don’t know what anyone else is really thinking.  No, put away the tin foil hats (we’ll get there in due time), we can often feel what others are feeling, our intuition does tell us a lot and other people we trust tell us. How are we so cut off from everyone, isolated, at a time where we could not possibly be more connected?

Carl Jung said that “Loneliness is an aversive signal whose purpose is to motivate us to reconnect”.  This is a common sense saying when you think about it. If every action has an equal reaction, the joy we get from others will be sorrow when removed. It is a marker of the hole you created, saying “we need to fill (and also feel) this”.  This is not just in a relationship to someone specific, but all versions of loneliness. Today we disconnect from others with remarkable ease because it’s an easy way out of dealing with the many frustrations we need to face in order to improve.  We are disconnected from others but have the illusion that we are not, easily preferring screens to people, even when we just use the screens to talk to the people. We are isolated by choice, but why?

Isolation comes from the Latin word for island, which gives us a visual description of the distance we feel from others.  We cannot ever know for sure truly what others think, how they feel, and at times how there will always be an impassable gap of understanding with another.  Much of our lives are in a series of weird “you would have to be there to understand” moments and no one else is actually there.  This feeling naturally makes us feel alone and gives us the idea that we are separate from this world.  This is compounded because we are cut off from parts of ourselves and deny them their right to exist.

Parts of ourselves we shove down, unintentionally without realizing it, and we trod on them not realizing they are with us every step. This can happen today, but odds are we picked up these things when we just learned how to walk.  I hate or like the same things that my parents and people I respected did, and it didn’t even occur to me that I could change that until decades after those incidents.  It is so easy to continue to hate or love based on what we were told when we were little. Or when we were told nothing when we desperately needed to hear something. It is earth shattering to realize that we can think anything independent of one another.  It is a huge move towards growth, and at first glance it can take us away from the fact that we are all in this together.

Before I go on, I am not trying to imply that isolation is bad, in fact we need it to fully step into ourselves.  Yourself is made up of being alone as much as its made up being with others. It can give us breakthroughs that we desperately need and don’t get because we try to distract ourselves with the concerns of others or avoiding the feelings that come with being alone.  Sitting alone can give us insights about ourselves, others, and the world we’re in that our relationships cannot give. The trouble is too much aloneness affects us negatively; we forget we’re trees in a forest. A prison has some vile people in it, but the worst punishment a prison has is removal from everyone, even the vile.  This shows plainly that we are connected at a basic level.

I am not saying we are all connected in the sense that we must abide by the collective and not do what we want to do, and that we are not alone at all. To the extent that one is responsible for one’s life, one is alone.  An individual entails insurmountable isolation. It is however, yet another paradox: the facing of aloneness allows one to engage with another more deeply and meaningfully. Through facing your solitude, you can see that isolation is a passive, failing mode of being that is incompatible with the world around you. It comes from fear, and is in stark contrast to the selfless giving that the trees in our forest have. The giving they show is love, not a dependent or infantile love, but a non exclusive and selfless one that applies to all. Love as an attitude, that does not depend at all on the relationship to whatever you are loving. Love isn’t just for trees, but all life itself.  Love is life’s way of being in the world. Wholly and selflessly. You have to cut through and rise above from the usual way of thinking to see this. The more you love others this way, the more you will love yourself. In your face, Valentine’s day.

This post was made possible by Peter Wohlleben’s The Hidden Life of Trees, Erich Fromm’s The Art of Loving, and Irvin Yalom’s Existential Psychotherapy.  And some Jung ideas. That striking nature photography was all taken by the Gentleman.  

Hey everyone, its that time of year, a mass-produced but still hopefully magical day for those in a relationship and a painful reminder for those who aren’t.  This time last year I was at the Jungian institute in Zurich, trying to confidently walk the path I’m on now. I wasn’t ready then, I had to burn up a bit more and make a few more mistakes before I could really set down the trail I’m on.  Any journey will have some missteps, and we cannot hope to spot them all in time. Hindsight is 20/20, and looking back I will see the mistakes I’ve made year after year and congratulate myself on being so smart now and so dumb then (and will repeat that endlessly).  This year, wherever you are and whoever you’re with, realize that you can become a better you, and it doesn’t have to be from scary and backbreaking improvements constantly. It comes from realizations, from truly listening to yourself and others. Now go love someone today, and remember you’re someone to.  

And check out some more of the Gentleman’s pics on instagram @dicethis